Jokes

My mama would whip my butt so bad in the grocery store, they would announce it on the speakers.

I wouldn't go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn't all beat me up -- someone had to hold me down.

I'll tell you how bad it was in Los Angeles during the riots -- people were actually flooding into Tijuana. That's how bad it was.

Look, you've already checked my lead pipe and my bicycle chain, this is outrageous. I need those brass knuckles. I have a very important rumble on the other side of the country, and I can't show up empty-handed.

Violence begins at home, starts at home. Your father gets yelled at at work. He's mad at his boss. So, he comes home and yells at your mother. She's mad at him, so she smacks you. You're mad at her, so you kick the family dog. The family dog is mad at you, so he goes out and bites the mailman. The mailman's mad at the dog. He goes... >>>

You remember the three o'clock fight you didn't even know you was in until about 2:50? Fight promoters come to your class, 'We heard you're fighting Calvin.' 'I didn't hear that.' 'That's why we're telling you.'

The same federal government that makes it mandatory to explain seatbelts to people will not enact any sort of gun control legislation. They don't trust us with seatbelts, but handguns -- that's a whole other thing.

I was at the mall with my grandmother, and there were these two giant thugs in front of us. And one of them turns to the other and starts bragging about how, earlier in the week, he had robbed a convenience store and was stomping on the cashier's head. At this point, my grandmother turns to me and says loud enough for him to hear,... >>>

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off -- don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I... >>>

So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a... >>>

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know... >>>

And let me tell you something -- if you go to the emergency room and you've got a knife still stuck in your head, you go to the front of the line. You're next. 'Excuse me. I ain't got time to fill out no forms.'

I got in this elevator earlier, and I ended up standing next to this woman who smelled just like my ex-girlfriend, the same perfume or something. It's neat how an aroma can make you think of something else. So, I'm strangling this woman....

People who are against hunting, the biggest thing they quote is that it's not fair. It's very unfair for the animal: the guy's got a gun, he's up in a tree, he's hidden, the animal's unsuspecting, and it's not fair. And I would agree with that -- it's not fair. But my father called me recently with his plan to go grizzly bear... >>>

I knew that I wanted to do comedy when I discovered irony. For those of you who don't know, I actually discovered irony when I was seven, which is when my mom started beating me with my own trophies.

Let me tell you white girls something that sisters don't want you to know. You know what would kill a black woman? To get beat up by a white girl.

These freeways are terrible, aren't they? I was on there the other day -- they just put in a drive-by shooting lane.

I miss New York. I miss the subways, believe it or not. So, what I do is I have a tape recording of just the sound of the subway, and every morning, I get up, I go into my closet, I close the door, I put the tape on, and I just hang there with my clothes for a while. Then I turn to my overcoat, and I go, 'No, you shut up, pal,... >>>

Let me tell you why I hate Valentine's Day -- 'cause a few years ago, on Valentine's night, I thought I would have a nice, romantic evening in with a lady. But little did I know, that that same night, her ex-boyfriend thought he would try to win her heart back. And, being the sweet, romantic guy that he is, he thought the best way... >>>

Whenever you see riot footage on TV -- you know, someone throwing a brick in Pakistan or somebody throwing a fiery piece of pooh through a Starbucks window up in Seattle -- you ever see anybody throwing anything underhand? I think it just takes all the aggression out of the act.

How scary is a bullet to my uncle? Not at all, you know why? I saw him take an 11-inch catheter, the hard way -- you know what I'm saying. 'A bullet? You gonna stick it in my penis? No? Then shoot me. I don't give a crap. How bad could it be?'

A picture of 50 women with black eyes, crying -- a big sign that says, 'Every 12 seconds, another woman is beaten by her boyfriend or husband.' They don't say that every six seconds a woman takes a guy for half what he's worth in this country. There should be a picture of 50 guys up there, crying, with their checkbooks open, a... >>>

The band starts playing, and everyone just starts running around and pouncing each other to show how much they like the band. What happened to clapping, man?

I don't understand -- what are fans doing fighting athletes? What don't you understand about the word 'athlete'? These are human machines. I say -- fight the referee, fight the ball boy.

I got my driver's license when I was 16. And the day I got it, I was driving my car through a parking lot -- I hit a parked car. Normally when you do that, you're supposed to put a note on the car that says, 'Whoops, sorry.' But my note said something different; it said, 'You know you wanted it.'

They don't apologize for anything. You got a lot of guns around here? 'Yeah!' OK, that's not the response I was looking for. I hear you execute a lot of people too? 'Yeah!' Alright, I'm outta here.

If gang members have to kill, kill constructively -- kill some Ku Klux Klan.

The last woman I dated, she's like, 'Would you fight for me?' I was like, 'I don't even fight for myself, sweetheart. You can run with me 'cause that's what I do. We can hold hands while we run -- keep it romantic.'

You ever just been by a place and been like, 'Man, if I went in there, I know I'd get laid'? I get that feeling all the time 'cause I live near a prison.

I'm all for hunters owning guns. That increases the odds of two rednecks blowing each other's heads off.