Jokes

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, "You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again." He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts.

Jesus sees this and says, "I'm going to try to walk on water again." He walks up to the water, takes a step on top and sinks.

Moses says, "Try it... >>>

A Jewish temple is looking for a way to get the congregation to go to temple on Saturdays.When one of the presidents of the congregation was at a comedy show, he saw a hypnotist.He thought, if he can hypnotize these people, he could probably hypnotize the congregation into coming to temple on Saturdays. So he hired the man, and... >>>

Q: What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?

A: A nun falling down stairs.

A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise... >>>

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" asks the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."

The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!"

Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down -- that's better than Clyde."

A stupid guy dies and goes to Heaven.

The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?"

The guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow."

The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds... >>>

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

Q: Why did everyone in Minneapolis quit going to church and lose their faith?

A: There are a dozen or so pages in the Bible about St. Paul, but nothing about Minneapolis.

A radical Muslim cleric walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll it be?" The cleric responds, "A gruesome puddle of your filthy infidel blood!"

Did you hear the one about the Pope and the smokin'-hot hooker?Despite the strumpet's aggressive offers to fellate him, the Pontiff maintained his holiness and prayed nightly for her soul.

Bush is my shepherd I shall not lie
He leadeth me beside the still farms and small towns.
He restoreth my doubt in the Repulican party
He guideth me down the path of untold debt for the party's sake.My wages he will freeze but my expenses runneth over my income.
He cuteth taxes for the wealthiest surely.
Poverty and hard living... >>>

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Then he asks,"Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In... >>>

I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president. He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."

A man dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives he sees that there is a long line to the Pearly Gates. After some time he hears a commotion behind him and turns to see a man in a long white coat with a stethoscope in the pocket cutting past everone. He strides right through the gates without a pause and past everyone who had been... >>>

On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football." And it was good. Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the others and set the standard for excellence." With that, he plucked a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and blue. God said, "Let it be called, ''The Dallas Cowboys'' -... >>>

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did. Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at... >>>

One day, Saint Peter called up to Heaven Bill Clinton, Colin Powell, and Bill Gates. He said to them, ''I've called you here because you are the 3 most influential spokepersons in the world. Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tomorrow.'' So, Bill Clinton went back and said, ''Fellow... >>>

A priest wanted to convince a prostitute to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her."Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely.""Thank you, Father," she replied. The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked. "Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is... >>>

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.'' The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.'' The man... >>>

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi fish in a lake. The preacher has to use the bathroom, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back. Then the rabbi has to go, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back.

The Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water. He... >>>

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roamin' Catholic.

Why did God invent a man first? She wanted to start with something simple.

A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.

The butcher asks if she'd like to try some damn ham.

The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.

That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"

His wife says she bought... >>>

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.
''He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone." Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.
''Ouch, Mom! I hate when you do that!"

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and he'd save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept... >>>

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills. When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand."... >>>

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

What do you call a lesbian with ten girlfriends?A Bush Hog

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?He sold his soul to Santa.